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BACKGROUND
This book, or novella, was a learning experience. That's another
way of saying it was a mistake. An expensive mistake. Self-publishing
this book in 1973 cost me about $3,000, roughly what a new car cost at
that time. And I dove into this foolishness after a mere 12 publishers
had rejected the manuscript! I had no idea that the publisher's sales
efforts would be minimal and had no plans to promote it myself. As far
as I know, a grand total of 300 copies were sold. I'd have been at
break-even if they had sold for $25 each, but they were priced at $3,
and one overly honest friend told me that was too steep for her.
One afternoon at my day job, I overheard two of the workers talking
about the book. The one who was hearing about it for the first time
said, "Gee, if he's got a published book out, why is he still working?"
It was nice to know that there was at least one other person in the
world as naive as myself.
Well, we were all young and foolish once, weren't we? Huh? Weren't
we? Okay, I was 43 and should have known better, but that's young from
my present perspective. Oh, to be 43 again, foolishness and all!
The Dragonslayers is a satire on the days of armored knights, dragons,
and fair damsels. I came to this topic very naturally. The first book
I remember reading, and I read it many times over, was a book of short
stories; an 1890 edition of Grimm's Fairy Tales, published by the
McLoughlin Brothers in New York. I still have the book, you see, and
it fairly demands to be satirized. On the other hand, I go to some
trouble to keep my plots plausible, so if you study the black magic
performed by the Vizier in this tale, you'll find his black magic is
good, honest, working chemistry which could have been known to
alchemists of his day.
And, who knows, perhaps one of those film animators will run out of
suitable Grimm's Fairy Tales, Tolkien, or Harry Potter episodes to animate
and will discover this wee gem.
One of my many mistakes in writing this book was in having the characters
speak in a sort of old English dialect. I have since learned that most
readers like their reading to be easy. To use an extreme comparison,
bear in mind that many more people would read Shakespeare today if he
hadn't used that darned dialect of his day. (Which loses its majesty if
modernized.) Or consider that Steven Hawkins was warned that every
mathematical formula he included in his Brief History of Time would cut
the number of readers in half. Maybe the advice I needed was, "Keep it
simple, stupid!"
My intention, completed in this edition, was to present the entire text of
The Dragonslayers on this page over a period of time, deleting the existing
chapter and adding the following one periodically. You may print out a copy
if you wish, but I invoke the Copyright against printing or distributing multiple
copies. And without further ado, I bring you the end of the tenth, and last,
chapter of The Dragonslayers.
THE DRAGONSLAYERS
Synopsis Of Chapters 1 through most of Chapter 10
The Barony of Zydor is under attack by a bragging clod, Sir Duval, who hopes to win
the barony by marrying Princess Elaine, who is destined to inherit the land.
As it happens, there is a lake in the far reaches of Zydor which is inhabited by a
terrible dragon.
The Baron of Zydor sends Sir Duval and his squire, Quid, out to slay the dragon.
Unfortunately, the baron goofs and declares that, "He who shall slay the dragon shall wed
the Princess Elaine!"
The dragon hunters are unknowingly stalked by Agatha, Witch of Zydor. Then a fire-breathing
dragon rises from the lake to attack the hunters. Quid leads the battle, while Sir Duval
flings arrows from a safer distance. The dragon "dies", but Quid has been wounded. Sir Duval
abandons Quid to ride off to Zydor for his reward. Agatha finishes dismantling the wicker-work
dragon the hunters had "killed", then finds Quid and tends his wounds. The castle guard arrives
to escort Quid to Zydor, fails to find any evidence of the dragon, but takes Agatha captive as
a scapegoat.
The Baron is so troubled by Sir Duval's claim to The Princess Elaine that he orders his Vizier
to block Sir Duval's claim by any means, fair or foul.
The Vizier proves that Quid has a greater claim to the hand of the Princess than Sir Duval does.
Agatha's testimony displeases the Baron and she is sent back to the dungeon to await the Vizier's
verdict on whether she is a witch.
The Vizier hides Quid in his tower lab, then visits Agatha in the dungeon. He reveals that he is
the young fool who rescued her from the stake years before and has since adopted a disguise of age
to serve as Vizier. Agatha agrees to trust him in a dangerous plan to declare her a very powerful
witch and threaten Zydor with a plague. Quid also agrees to assist in Agatha's escape.
The Vizier plays diplomat, convincing the Baron and The Princess Elaine that Quid is the son-in-law
and husband they need. Agatha is brought into court, where the Vizier pronounces her the most
powerful witch he has ever known, the Baron condemns her to the stake, and Agatha threatens a great
plague upon Zydor. The Vizier then persuades the court that bathing in the pristine waters of a
small spring below the castle will protect against the plague.
Sir Duval and the Captain of The Guard plot to murder the Baron and execute Quid for it, while the
Vizier has Quid assist him in the stinky stench of alchemy to create a liquid that dissolves silver.
The Vizier calls this silver solution 'a plague in a bottle' and assures Quid that it can secure
Agatha's freedom as gold cannot.
The plot to murder the Baron goes awry as a chambermaid, late on her rounds, cuts a rope that
prevents her from closing a window to the Baron's chamber. The Captain of the Guard falls to his
doom. The Baron, reviewing the scene the next morning, correctly assumes that the Captain had been
up to no good, but incorrectly assumes that Sir Duval has blocked the Captain's evil intent.
"Duval!" the Baron exclaimed. "I perceive thy role in this affair! Thy reward shall be swift and
just!" Sir Duval, in turn, assumes the worst and sets about making his get-away swifter than the
Baron's justice. The Baron, seeing Duval's slinking departure, realizes the truth , and is content
to let him go, thereby missing Sir Duval's fatal plunge into a bog.
Now it is time for Agatha's execution. The Vizier and Quid arrange to have their 'plague in a bottle'
work its way into the pool of spring water everyone is bathing in for protection against Agatha's
threatened plague. Agatha is bound to a stake, tinder fuel is piled high about her, and the fire is
lighted. And the plague strikes! The people find themselves covered with black blotches.
The fire is doused. The Baron accepts the Vizier's advice that Agatha's witchcraft be ended by having
her wed to someone totally loyal to himself so that the sacred marriage vows to "love, honor, & obey"
her husband end the danger to Zydor. The Baron orders that his Vizier marry Agatha. It is done, and
the Vizier ends the day on an errand to fetch water to his tower apartment for his wife, Agatha.
Before he can fill his water buckets, the Vizier is intercepted by Quid, who wants the Vizier to
prepare a note of apology to the Princess Elaine. The note is to explain that Quid feels unworthy of
the Princess and has decided to hit the road.
The Vizier agrees to write the note, but in obtaining the materials from the Baron's study, he also
picks up a pair of apparently identical wine goblets, one of which holds five times as much as the
other. He takes Quid to the Baron's wine cellar, sets up barrels as a table and two seats, and begins
matching Quid, drink-for-drink, with Quid getting the giant size.
The Vizier proceeds rather slowly with the note as he and Quid engage in a long verbal sparring match as
to whether or not Quid should wed the Princess Elaine. The wine and the Vizier win Quid to the marriage
and Quid confirms the decision by telling his horse, Penelope, about it.
Chapter 10 - Happily Ever After - Continued & Concluded
Taking the wine goblets to the horse trough for a quick rinse, the Vizier considered how best he might
redesign the goblets. Surely, one morning in the near future, he would be summoned to the Baron's
sickbed and angrily ordered to produce a Quid-proof set of goblets.
A new thought suddenly struck the Vizier as he sloshed the goblets into the trough. Two empty water
buckets must still be keeping their patient vigil in the stable where he had left them! Agatha must also
be keeping a vigil, perhaps not so patient!
Still in the grip of the initial shock, the Vizier hastened to replace the goblets, retrieve the buckets,
obtain a generous load of water, and start the long homeward climb. Fortunately, the stairways proved to
be a good shock absorber, bringing the Vizier to a panting halt. Now he considered the facts of the
problem.
What difference was there betwixt being very late or extremely late? Truly, there was none! The damage was
done and could only be increased by a poor salvage job.
Agatha would be very worried now. She would be making frequent visits to the windows, which, fortunately,
faced the wrong way. If he were to burst in now, full of apologies and excuses, the emotional dam would
burst and he would indeed be swamped. A very poor precedent to set! If, on the other hand, he were to
plod slowly up those long stairs and enter wearily with worry etched on his manly visage, Agatha would be
all solace and comfort. With long-suffering patience, he would confide to her his efforts to shore up
Quid's confidence and save the day for Zydor. Carefully done, this would save the day for the Vizier.
Hefting the buckets once again, the Vizier suited action to plan, climbing homeward with a pooped plod that
scarce required acting.
To his surprise, the door was not barred. He entered, to find one fat candle flickering on the table in the
middle of a room that lacked all the dear old clutter of his quarters. Where, now, was the treasured host
of bachelor stuff, those things valued for what they had been, if not for what they still were? Not even
the dust-ring place mats remained to show those honored spots where the more venerable pieces were meant to
be. But the place was bright, fresh and clean, and even seemed larger. Agatha had been busy, busy, busy!
The Vizier himself had once tried to tidy this place up and had proven to his own satisfaction that it
couldn't be done. The whole thing smacked of sorcery.
A newly hung curtain cloaked the bed in privacy, but a gentle sound of snoring was to be heard, and a shy
peek affirmed that Agatha was abed for the night. How, now, should the game be played? One could replace
the low-burning candle with a longer candle to make the tell-tale tallow tell a lie. A tempting trickery,
but self-trickery as well. He who would be a lion in his own home had best abandon mousy tricks. The
morrow might require explanations but this day would end in dignity.
The Vizier changed to his night clothes, surveyed the path betwixt himself and the bed, and blew out the
candle. Groping his way along the course plotted in his mind's eye, he reached the bed and settled
in as gently as possible. Then, leaning far over, he planted a tender kiss on Agatha's cheek.
With a battle-cry shriek, the room exploded! It started with a severe jab to the Vizier's right eye,
followed in quick succession by a sharp bite on the left hand, a rapid pummeling of body blows, and a
series of hard, pushing, kicks. The Vizier tumbled to the floor in a defensive ball, too surprised even to
cry out.
"Do ye awaken so of a morning, Agatha?" the Vizier asked incredulously.
"Husband! Have I hurt thee?" Agatha cried out. "How could I know thee? 'Twas a stranger in the night I
fought; never would I harm thee!"
On the floor together they embraced and the day ended as it should begin, happily.
In the days that followed, Quid also became reconciled to his fate. The thorny aspects of being the Baron's
protege were much as he had expected, but the rewards were much as the Vizier had promised. Scarce a week
had passed ere Quid had forever grown accustomed to being Sire Quid and to seeing and desiring the Princess
Elaine as his own.
Thus did Quid eagerly greet his wedding day and declare his love to the world and for the world.
And the Vizier lived happily ever after.